top ten movies that i hate

if you know me, you know this is a sacred list. it's tough for me to hate a movie for two reasons;

one, i try to avoid all movies that i know i will hate. i'm amazed at the number of people that don't follow this one simple rule, especially when it can cost over $30 for a night out at the flicks.

two, when i see a movie, i try to take it for what it is (unlike a lot of professional movie reviewers). if it isn't failing miserably, then i don't give it the automatic thumbs down, i just try to lose myself in it and enjoy it for what it is. to this day i get a chill when the lights go down in a movie theatre, and that always puts me in the right mood to enjoy even forgettable pieces of fluff.

and now, the list.

(remember, hate is a strong word)

10) star wars episode 1: the phantom menance

a stupid fucking piece of shit movie for really one main reason, the wooden acting (other than ewan mcgregor channelling sir alec guinness). it also barely told a story, and could have easily been condensed into a half hour sequence in episode 2 ~ which had it's own problems, but didn't really come close to making this list. i forgive jar jar, he is for the kids, and really wasn't that terrible. the announcers at the pod race, however, constitute the worst idea george lucas has ever had, and that includes never letting us have the unaltered original trilogy on dvd.

9) catwoman***

no, i haven't seen it yet, and i won't, but it makes my list anyway, on principle alone.

***okay, i'm changing this to escape from L.A.
don't know how i forgot that, especially since it's on jims list, which is where i got this idea.
worst big-budget sequel. ever. (phantom menace was officially a 'prequel')

8) the lawnmower man

there have been a lot of bad stephen king flicks. at least they didn't just steal the title.
for those of you that have seen the movie and not read the short story, get this; the story is about a guy at home alone that hires this fat dude in overalls to cut his out of control yard down to size. the fat guy strips and eats all the grass, then eats the guy.
for those of you that haven't seen the movie, don't.

7) ruby in paradise

i hate this for one reason: it launched ashley judds movie career. okay, two reasons, it also sucked out loud.

6) the cat in the hat/how the grinch stole christmas

maybe i shouldn't have three movies on my list that i haven't even seen, but fuck you, it's my list, and i'll do what want.

5) pearl harbor

i admit, i kind of broke my rule about avoiding movies i expect to be bad on this one. i really should listen to myself more often. you don't need a love story added on to a major historical event that had real stories (that were a hell of a lot more touching) there for the taking.

4) the 5th element

rule number one:comic relief in scifi is to be administered by either ambiguously gay robots or walking carpets. not shrieking black men.

rule number two: see rule number one.

3) saving silverman

i'm not even really sure why i have such pure, unadulterated hate for this movie, but i do, oh, i do.

2) independence day (ID4) (and what the fuck does that mean? wouldn't that be part 4?)

what the fuck was this? what the fuck? how can i hate a movie about aliens invading and nearly destroying the entire earth?? i really didn't think i could. thanks for showing me the error of my ways, devlin and emmerich.

1) batman and robin

the only movie i have ever walked out of. ever. could not have possibly been worse. i went next door and watched the end of face/off again.

there you have it.
save me the aisle seat.


posted by scott 8:29 AM